I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
