I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Four minutes until I can fart!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
