Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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