i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize