she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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