Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
