it hurts more in the daytime
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize