I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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