I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
And then my night got REAL pukey
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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