I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
