I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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