Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize