shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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