Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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