Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
