she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
