It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
