Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
