i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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