Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
