he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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