The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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