Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
