dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
We are all done wearing pants today
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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