Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
