I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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