Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
