Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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