dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
