Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize