i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize