i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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