I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
