I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
