I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
