Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
