Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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