Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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