I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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