Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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