I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
