when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
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