oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
