I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
