1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She told me I should be a condom model.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
