all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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