Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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