Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
