youre lurking in front of me
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
