I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize