4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
