i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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