when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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