I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
