You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
