Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
