you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
