there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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