the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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